She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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