is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Randomize
