Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
