The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
