I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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