Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
