i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
