I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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