Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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