Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
