I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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