Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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