I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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