my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
