Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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