he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
