I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
