Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
