that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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