based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
