These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
