i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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