We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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