a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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