I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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