Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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