I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The best revenge is premature balding
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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