I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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