ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
