just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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