Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
