She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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