He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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