Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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