very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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