I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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