Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
