just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
