Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
