Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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