I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
