hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
