I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
