I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
