New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
