I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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