Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
