I wish I only lived at night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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