I can text with my tongue
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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