i dont even know how to be here
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
