Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
