I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
