Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
