he told me I talked like a deaf person
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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