Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
