i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
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Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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