shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
