I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
