girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
