I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
